The Velvet Rage Read online

  Table of Contents

  Praise

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Introduction

  THE ROOTS OF RAGE

  Chapter 1 - THE LITTLE BOY WITH THE BIG SECRET

  THE FIRST MAN IN YOUR LIFE

  Chapter 2 - UGLY TRUTHS & HIGH FASHION DREAMS

  Chapter 3 - OUT & RAGING

  INHIBITED RAGE AND SHAME

  STAGE 1: - OVERWHELMED BY SHAME

  Chapter 4 - DROWNING

  DENIAL OF SEXUALITY

  Chapter 5 - BEWITCHED, BETRAYED

  Chapter 6 - THE REAL ME: A CRISIS OF IDENTITY

  HOMOPHOBIC STRAIGHT MEN

  STAGE 2: COMPENSATING FOR SHAME

  Chapter 7 - PAYING THE PIPER

  Chapter 8 - STUCK IN SHAME: THE VICIOUS CYCLE

  Chapter 9 - IN THE MOOD FOR A MAN

  ETERNALLY SEXY

  Chapter 10 - WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT? A CRISIS OF MEANING

  STAGE 3: - CU LTIVATI NG AUTH ENTICITY

  Chapter 11 - MIGHTY REAL

  DECONSTRUCTING FABULOUS

  Chapter 12 - HEALING RELATIONSHIP TRAUMA

  WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MAN

  MARRYING OUR FATHERS

  INNOCENCE LOST

  WHAT IS TRAUMA?

  Chapter 13 - THE ROAD TO CONTENTMENT

  PASSION

  LOVE

  INTEGRITY

  Chapter 14 - WHAT MOM DIDN’T KNOW & DAD COULDN’T ACCEPT—LESSONS ON BEING AN ...

  LESSON #1: DON’T LET YOUR SEXUAL TASTES BE THE FILTER FOR ALLOWING PEOPLE INTO ...

  LESSON #2: ADOPT A NONJUDGMENTAL STANCE AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE

  LESSON #3: WHEN YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SOMEONE, SPEAK WITH HIM/HER ABOUT IT ...

  LESSON #4: IT’S NEVER A BAD IDEA TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST ABOUT THE FACTS

  LESSON #5: OTHERS ARE OFTEN PUT OFF BY PERFECTION

  LESSON #6: DON’T ACT ON EVERY EMOTION YOU FEEL

  LESSON #7: PUT OFF HAVING SEX UNTIL YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE THAT YOU REALLY KNOW HIM

  LESSON #8: ACTIVELY PRACTICE ACCEPTING YOUR BODY AS IT IS RIGHT NOW

  LESSON #9: INTENTIONALLY VALIDATE THOSE YOU LOVE, BUT NEVER VALIDATE THE INVALID

  LESSON #10: WHENEVER YOU ENCOUNTER A RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM, FIRST ASSESS YOUR ...

  Notes

  Acknowledgements

  Index

  Copyright Page

  WHAT READERS ARE SAYING ABOUT THE VELVET RAGE

  “What a great book! I felt as if a window had been opened to the hearts of so many people I have known and loved in my life.”

  —Joey

  “As I read [The Velvet Rage], I kept bumping into myself and, hopefully, my former self. . . . I felt that [this book was] talking specifically to me and I’m sure all gay readers will have the same reaction.”

  —Thomas

  “Alan Downs has opened the door to the heart of every gay friend I have ever known. As a 76-year-old straight woman, for the first time I feel I have a better understanding of the gay life. Anyone who has ever dealt with or is dealing with shame will benefit from this book.”

  —Katherine

  “This isn’t just a social commentary or self-help book aimed at a minority population. Every reader will learn from a journey through cultural values about human flaws and perfection to arrive at a place where real and authentic human hope may be found.”

  —Karen

  “My partner and I have read [The Velvet Rage] twice, and I really think it has changed our lives. Sometimes, we’ll read a page or two to each other out loud just to remind us of what we’ve learned.”

  —John

  “The Velvet Rage is a book that will help so many people, those who are gay and those who are not. I admire [the author’s] ability to write in a casual style that reads with depth, warmth, and humanity.”

  —Jeff

  “This book should be a ‘must read’ for any gay man who is committed to becoming his absolute best self in an increasingly crazy world.”

  —Steven

  “[Dr. Downs] hasn’t pathologized homosexuality. He’s described, with eloquence and intelligence, the natural consequences of what amounts to soul murder.”

  —Barbara

  “This book offers a human perspective on how American culture affects gay men in the twenty-first century. As a clinical social worker, I was moved by the vulnerability Downs allows himself by sharing some of his own life story, ideas, and experiences.”

  —Beth

  ALSO BY ALAN DOWNS

  Corporate Executions, 1995

  Beyond the Looking Glass, 1997

  Seven Miracles of Management, 1998

  The Fearless Executive, 2000

  Why Does This Keep Happening to Me?, 2002

  Secrets of an Executive Coach, 2002

  The Half-Empty Heart, 2003

  Dedicated to

  Blake Hunter and Bob Ward

  May I grow as young in spirit, as wise in life,

  and as steadfast in love as you.

  INTRODUCTION

  The experience of being a gay man in the twenty-first century is different from that of any other minority, sexual orientation, gender, or culture grouping. We are different from, on the one hand, women, and on the other hand, straight men. Our lives are a unique blending of testosterone and gentleness, hyper-sexuality and delicate sensuality, rugged masculinity and refined gentility. There is no other group quite like that of gay men. We are a culture of our own.

  It is upon this important and undeniable cornerstone that this book was written. Understanding our differences, loving ourselves without judgment, and at the same time noticing what makes us fulfilled, empowered, and loving men are the forces that converged in the conceiving, planning, writing, and publishing of this book.

  While we are different, we are at the same time very similar to all others. We want to be loved and to love. We want to find some joy in life. We hope to fall asleep at night fulfilled from our day’s endeavors. In these aspirations and appetites we are like all men and women. The problem is, our path to fulfilling these basic human needs has proven to be fundamentally different from the well-worn paths of straight humanity.

  Some have said that we must blaze our own trail and not be lured into the ways of the straight man. We must be brave enough to honor rather than hide our differences. We must stand up and fight for the right to be gay and all that it means.

  In this book, you will find an honest and more complete picture of what it is to be a gay man in today’s world. Yes, we have more sexual partners in a lifetime than any other grouping of people. And at the same time, we also have among the highest rates of depression and suicide, not to mention sexually transmitted diseases. As a group we tend to be more emotionally expressive than other men, and yet our relationships are far shorter on average than those of straight men. We have more expendable income, more expensive houses, and more fashionable cars, clothes, and furniture than just about any other cultural group. But are we truly happier?

  The disturbing truth is that we aren’t any happier, by virtually any index measured today. Much the opposite is true. Psychotherapy offices the world over are frequented by gay men struggling to find some joy and fulfillment in life. Substance abuse clinics across the country—from The Betty Ford Center in California to The Menninger Clinic in Texas to Beth Israel Medical Center in New York City—are filled with far more gay men than would be indicated by our proportions in the general population. It’s safe to estimate that virtually every gay man has wondered on more than a few occasions if it is truly possible to be consistently happy and a gay man.

  When you look around it becomes somewhat undeniable that we are a wounded lot. Somehow, the life we are living isn’t leading us to a better, m
ore fulfilled psychological and emotional place. Instead, we seem to struggle more, suffer more, and want more. The gay life isn’t cutting it for most of us.

  Some ill-informed, closed-minded people would say that it is our sexual appetite for man-on-man sex that has made lasting happiness illusive. If we would just be “normal,” find a good woman and settle down, then we’d discover what life is all about.

  That’s just crazy. Our struggles have nothing to do with loving men per se. Substance abuse, hyper-sexuality, short-lived relationships, depression, sexually transmitted diseases, the insatiable hunger for more and better, and the need to decorate our worlds to cover up seamy truths—these are our torments. Becoming a fulfilled gay man is not about trying to become “not gay,” but has everything to do with finding a way through this world that affords us our share of joy, happiness, fulfillment, and love.

  In my practice as a psychologist, this is my goal: to help gay men be gay and fulfilled. The lessons I’ve learned from the profound teachers in my life—my gay male patients—are collected in this book. Their struggles, disappointments, and ultimate achievements are chronicled here. While names, identities, and geographic locations have all been changed to protect their rightful anonymity, I have made every possible attempt to be faithful to the relevant facts.

  The book is arranged into a simple three-stage model that describes the journey of virtually all gay men with whom I have worked. I suspect that this model, or some modified version of it, is likely to be universal to all gay men in the western world and perhaps across the globe.

  The stages are arranged by the primary manner in which the gay man handles shame. The first stage is “Overwhelmed by Shame” and includes that period of time when he remained “in the closet” and fearful of his own sexuality. The second stage is “Compensating for Shame” and describes the gay man’s attempt to neutralize his shame by being more successful, outrageous, fabulous, beautiful, or masculine. During this stage he may take on many sexual partners in his attempt to make himself feel attractive, sexy, and loved—in short, less shameful.

  The final stage is “Discovering Authenticity.” Not all gay men progress out of the previous two stages, but those who do begin to build a life that is based upon their own passions and values rather than proving to themselves that they are desirable and lovable.

  The goal of this book is to help gay men achieve this third stage of authenticity. It is my experience that gay men who are not ready or willing to work toward this goal have a difficult time acknowledging their shame and the radical effects of it on their lives. Until a gay man is ready to reexamine his life, he may not be able to realize the undercurrent of shame that has carried him into a life that often isn’t very fulfilling.

  My own trek from shame to authenticity as a gay man has mirrored that of many of my clients’ stories that I share with you throughout the book. Having grown up in a Christian fundamentalist home in Louisiana, I entered my adult years struggling with my own sexuality. After being married for several years and spending even more years in therapy, I began to accept myself for the man that I am, not the one that I or my family had wished for.

  When I came out of the closet, I stepped right into the middle of the gay explosion in San Francisco during the 1980s. It was an exciting and horrible time—there were more men than I’d ever seen before and so many of them were dying from AIDS. Since then, I’ve lived in some of the gayest cities in the country: New York City, New Orleans, Key West, and Fort Lauderdale. There’s not much that I haven’t seen and tried.

  Early in my career, I abandoned clinical psychology to become an executive at Hewlett Packard. It was the go-go ’80s, and everyone, including me, was hoping to strike it rich in Silicone Valley. Part of my own journey toward authenticity forced me to confront my career choices and return to my real passion: clinical psychology. So I did, and it turned out to be one of the best decisions of my life. My life and my work have taken on a depth of meaning and fulfillment that I would have never known otherwise. I spend my days, among other things, helping gay men to heal the wounds of being gay in straight world, and in so doing, realize their own authenticity and fulfillment. They have been my teachers and mentors, reminding me daily of the importance of staying true to myself regardless of how others may view me. It is their stories, not mine, that fill these pages. What wisdom is contained between these covers is theirs, and anything less is more than likely my doing.

  It must be noted that what is written here is in many ways applicable to lesbian women, too. While I do work with many lesbian women and find their journey to be similar, the ways in which it is explored are often very different. For example, lesbian women aren’t known to frequent bathhouses, sex clubs, or driven to decorate their lives like gay men. They express their struggle with shame differently and in a uniquely female way. So it is out of respect for lesbian women that this book is written about gay men only. To be more inclusive of the lesbian experience would undoubtedly result in a book that does the lesbian experience an injustice. The stages of their lives are the same; however, the way in which they unfold is often very different.

  Finally, a word about the differences between straight and gay men should be included. Often people will ask me, “Isn’t the struggle with shame similar for straight men?” To this, I would also answer yes, but not in the same way. Straight men struggle with their own authenticity and intimate relationships. And yes, they do struggle with shame that is created by a culture that has taught them to hold a masculine ideal that is unachievable, if not downright cruel. But as with lesbian women—and to a far greater degree—their struggles look very different. For example, straight men may fight shame by always having a cute, young, blonde bombshell of a woman on their arm (as some gay men do with a cute, young, blonde bombshell of a man), but the constraints of living in straight culture and mores cause their experience to be quite different than that of gay men. One should not conclude from these pages that straight men are even one fraction healthier than gay men. What is being said is that the trauma of growing up gay in a world that is run primarily by straight men is deeply wounding in a unique and profound way. Straight men have other issues and struggles that are no less wounding but are quite different from those of gay men.

  I have written this book as a heart-to-heart talk with gay men that I invite you, the straight reader, to participate in. It seemed the most compassionate and useful voice given the difficulty of the material I present. After all, much of what I write about is the darker, more unseemly side of gay life to which our straight friends and family are not often exposed; and truth be told, we’d rather that they didn’t know about. So I have written it as a gay man who has experienced all of this and more, writing to an audience of gay men who know of what I speak. To adopt a more clinical, third person voice would, in many ways, bring an unnecessary coldness to an otherwise close and intimate exploration of our lives.

  THE ROOTS OF RAGE

  “The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”

  OSCAR WILDE

  The Importance of Being Earnest

  Chapter 1

  THE LITTLE BOY WITH THE BIG SECRET

  We are all born into this world helpless, love-starved creatures. For the first years of life, we are completely dependent upon others for everything we need, both physically and emotionally. As we grow to be children, the world still doesn’t make complete sense to us; we still need someone to take care of us.

  This craving for love and protection is more than just a passing urge or momentary appetite. It is an irrepressible drive and a constant longing that, when unfulfilled, will last a good long time, likely into adulthood.

  For the early years of life, the only source that could satisfy your enormous cravings and needs was your parents. They provided you with everything you needed, but couldn’t satisfy for yourself. Long before you reached the age of verbal thought, you knew that you needed your parents. You knew their touch and smell. You anticipated their caresses
and recoiled at their scolding.

  At that early age, abandonment by your parents was akin to death, and you avoided abandonment at all costs. In your own childish ways, you did everything within your power to retain the attention and love of your parents. Even when you screamed and threw tantrums, you were not risking their ire so much as desperately trying to keep your parents from ignoring you. But perhaps starting at the ages of four to six, your parents realized that you were different. They didn’t know exactly how or why, but you were definitely not quite like the other children they had known. It may have had little or no influence on their love for you, but they may have treated you in a different manner than your siblings or differently than your friends’ parents treated them.

  “I did the usual stuff in school . . . played sports and dated girls in junior high and high school. No matter what I did, though, I always had this feeling that I was differ- ent. It’s funny, whenever one of my buddies would steal his father’s Playboy, we’d take it out into the field behind the 7–11 to look at the pictures and smoke cigarettes. I remember being more interested in how my buddies were reacting to the pictures of naked women than in the actual pictures, and I also remember fantasizing about what kind of a man gets to have women like these. All my buddies wanted to do is talk about the big tits of the women, so I’d go along with it just for show.”

  KAL FROM OMAHA, NE

  You, too, began to understand that you were different. Your understanding was only dim at first, but as those early years progressed into adolescence, you became increasingly aware that you weren’t like other boys—maybe even not like your parents. Along with the growing knowledge that we were different was an equally expanding fear that our “different-ness” would cause us to lose the love and affection of our parents. This terror of being abandoned, alone, and unable to survive forced us to find a way—any way—to retain our parents’ love. We couldn’t change ourselves, but would could change the way we acted. We could hide our differences, ingratiate ourselves to our mothers, and distance ourselves from our fathers whom we somehow knew would destroy us if he discovered our true nature.